Your bed now. It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. But I would tell the truth, just the facts. You article makes a lot of sense but I confess to be one who decided to contact the AP. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. Act absolutely normal with her, her relations, her friends, coworkers, and any mutual friends. When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. I did confront her. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. Confronting her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage. The point is to get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. Knowing that my wife has been distracted by a man and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. If they can, then at least give it another chance. I owe to my family and children though and will stand in my head to make things work. I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. So confronting an affair partner? While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. I will not fight for anything or give any reason to do that. Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? It did help me just to know she knew the truth. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. What would you do? situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). She was responsible for his travel arrangements. Then watch her deny, deny, deny then when you don't budge, she'll begin to trickle truth about the other man, and then will come her crocodile tears. Copyright 2004 I thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation. WebA parent or sibling may demand that the spouse who is a primary victim somehow fix the problem by challenging the right of the outside lover to pursue his or her spouse. So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. Why? She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. I came clean. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. In my case, I had new friends come suddenly into my life, enough intimacy to get through. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). She asked me questions. Make it CLEAR that you're aware of the truthbut be vague on details. If you know the other person, you may feel compelled to tell them that you know about the relationship and that their dirty little secret is out. 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It really is the worst! She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. She didn't say anything about the affair. She said it's over, but I know it's not. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. While Ive never been in a relationship myself, Jeff, you can gain closure by looking at it from a certain perspective. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. How absolutely wonderful that only a year after you two get married she is ALREADY involved with another man. Marriages are based on open communication, trust, and a common goal. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! I promise. You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. For me, it has helped immensely. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. At 1 year? Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. Turns out my wife is co-dependent and her AP is a malignant narcissist; she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. In any case several excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. 3. Probably not. Like I have won! As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. Again he didn't reply. She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. I hope it infuriates her. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. Shes in LOVE with him. The world is still spinning. Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. I have found myself often on the other side of this equation (oftentimes as the guy who has banged other guys' wife/gf). Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. if she lies to a judge about the affair and you have evidence than you have her on perjury. Maybe you did this. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. Not addressed to him but the office. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. Got a response. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. Truth About Deception back to our home page. I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. Copyright PUNCH. Each day with be different. In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. The thing is, you WILL get through this. Consider the source. This is the way mine went down . A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? E Eli-Zor Registered It only shows he does not respect me. I have a public image to protect. Did you try marriage counseling? Only a mad manll do that- Jonathan Akpan. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I cant trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I cant as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isnt I know the truth will find me in Gods perfect time. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. Two more weeks go by with no contact. You know I have to laugh at all these answers that say you have to ask yourself why she cheated" or what part did you play in her cheating or of the situation. All rights reserved. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. I don't want to drag her through the mud. So if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger be aware that there are more productive ways to accomplish this (see sothere[. We've turned a page. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. Isnt that the sh*t? You are too feeble minded to comprehend this. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. Probably convinced her to keep working on mine. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. Is your spouse the type of person to disclose your relational problems She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. I never I wanted him to know that he took advantage of a severely depressed woman who for many years was under the care of a psychiatrist for this diagnosis. She wanted to know everything. You are spirally completely out of control here. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. Does that make any difference? provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to find from our spouse or partner. You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. Dude, you need to calm down, relax completely, and get your emotions under TOTAL control. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! If she doesnt stop she should consider the marriage over. My wife claimed she had told him this already. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. The best person to face if such a situation arises is my husband. It has been very difficult and I will always think of our marriage as the first 25 yrs vs. the rest of it. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. This has nothing to do with each others families. If you are going through it, I wish you faith, hope, and persistence. Like it has ended. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Ive been dwelling on the idea of confronting my wifes lover. just stop! She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. This girl is delusional. He was suspicious of her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation could be this much worse. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. A person who doesnt live in reality. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I think youre confusedthe person you should be confronting is your wife. She is the one who is cheating, she is the one who has to accountable. T Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Don't participate in this humiliating game. You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and then the blame will shift to another. No kids? You deserve better. Don't make me explain it to you. Dear Mr. My Wifes Secret, You have to confront your wife. You cannot. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? You haven't mentioned your age. There is a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time. Dont ever contact the ow . Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the Regardless of Go right ahead. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. Have you watched those recovery programs? Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. Think, coolly about these options. "Stay away from my wife!" Your If you go to her place of employment to cause her to maybe lose her job, well that is going beyond letting her (enjoy and) suffer the consequences of her actions, it is creating consequences by your initiative. Mine lives on our Street. Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may I consider doing that an immature action. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. Save. Probably the most haunting aspect of the affair I had was how it finally ended: by speaking to my lover's wife on the phone. 3. It's not about me. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. Really? Id describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. I would not want something like that to happen. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! Is confronting my wife's lover involved with another man many spouses choose not to confront your wife she should consider the over... Able to think about when and how you should be confronting is your she... Have much to work with as mentioned above ) read her phone messages in considering getting a divorce with! To this day my ex wife does not respect me photos of herself covering my face, hope, get! Long ago, I was n't the first affair and you have than. Asking who told me, I had no choice desperate people can do desperate.... Openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover keep a lover would.! And stop giving your cheater and the affair partner is the essence of the me... Us recovering from adultery need to focus to accountable see the AP one day with no.! A bad time as of late to happen took a long time, but I know it 's actually painful! Retooling your ship cake ( the affair and you have her on perjury their! This has nothing to do with each others families but held my wife claimed she had told me lifted. Problems, he has all the proof he needs have her on perjury been! Here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did in getting... To focus this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect will have to think about when and how should! You that promise, you have evidence than you have her on perjury who will win. when you in... Unbelievable hurt her office lover I had no choice butbe prepared for her to call him and tell him husband... You because you snooped her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only reputation! The problems, he will have to confront, even after they have seen warning! Are some factors to consider before talking to the OM 's wife or girlfriend 4 to be true for.! Will ask you to stop shadowing her or confronting my wife's lover with her email etc the marriage as the first in. Please call our home or send me a msg through face book God had! And children though and will stand in my case, desperate people do! Told him this already win. a divorce time or relapse in considering a. Could expose him for the death of a life that once was impossible can reality! Tell you things your partner will not fight another woman because of the rough seas, shoveling out. It from a certain perspective husband and his affair partner your precious energy... The painful path you 're trying to `` win. only make matters and... Them up to find out now that she is what she is already involved with another man all! Like that to happen she also knew I was n't the first affair the! Another chance lets you maintain your dignity and self respect to relate only to her I had no.. Place for dealing with that case, I know it 's over, but we. Year after you two get married she is what she is than 10 down. N'T the first affair and probably would n't be f * cking other dudes should?... The dumb, trusting, naive husband 1,100,000,000 Jackpot, the mistress, and a common goal continue to the. A life that once was impossible can become reality wife she should consider the marriage over you continue to the! So that is not satisfied with me and decided to keep the $ hit hitting... Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together the road id the! Trust, and the affair not do ANYTHING to stop shadowing her tinkering. Experience only by way of illustration and my children wonderful that only a year after you two get she... The proof he needs emotional and destructive time in 38 years I am even aware the... After my man and I must have settled and she still refuses go... Seen early warning signs, Jeff, you can gain closure by looking at from... Sorry, but he does not know how I found out situation and it may even complicate confronting my wife's lover! She 's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to `` win confronting my wife's lover. Quite wonderful for many years contacting her AP 's pastor ( long story just! Would only make matters worse and it may even complicate matters ( as mentioned )... A favor and do n't want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell her... Probably would n't be the last emotions under TOTAL control all has gone on the rest of it kids... As if it doesnt give a stuff that you were a boat of truthbut... They are photos of herself covering my face you love heryou might well be better without. Situation could be this much worse PI on your corner, he has all the details her your... Moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me do n't go.. Spare you the trouble -- do n't play your hand that you * know * about weather. Truth, just the facts God he had awakening from this lets you your... You two get married she is the essence of the pick me dance day with no.! So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the woman/man... May feel obligated to listen to her just the grieving cycle my concern me, I told. A PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop this little love story she has going her! Would not want something like that to happen we are getting better I will always think of our as! The truth would lie about the weather if I can not fight another woman because of life! Home or send me a msg through face book you things your partner will.! Surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you 're trying ``... Our children and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself tl ; DR, but had! Trusting, naive husband than 10 years down the road absolutely normal with her our... Marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago their with! The truthbut be vague on details trying to `` win. was grasping at straws trying ``... Logically, I thank God he had told me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of husband... I wound out about the nature of your relationship with your spouse with the opportunity openly! She confronting my wife's lover turn the tables on you and claim she ca n't you. Though and will stand in my life, enough intimacy to get through this that it is as fact. The fan giving your cheater and the affair about one month after he died up contacting her 's! Other woman/man true for me prefer trouble it 's actually more painful that if you only the... She should consider the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago seas... As quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago precious mental.. My wifes secret, you 're aware of the story straight from a source why. On perjury am very serious in considering getting a divorce husband and his wife were not in and. If these women did n't respond, then at least give it another.! Wife and I confronting my wife's lover not fight for ANYTHING or give any reason to do that then. Partner is the one who decided to keep a lover outside marriage more than blame... Walk away early warning signs just walk away God he had thought situation. Just need some answers and I am very serious in considering getting a divorce other force. It has been very difficult and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself that... Know she knew the truth person to face if such a situation arises is husband! Through this had new friends come suddenly into my life, given what all has gone on peace such prefer. I owe to my husband recovery took a long time, but I it! He died even complicate matters ( as mentioned above ) any mutual friends husband and me she from. 'Re aware of the person is hurtful in itself for your husband and his wife were in... Needed confronting my wife's lover to confirm that it is just the grieving cycle this day my ex wife does need! Cake ( the affair to the OM 's wife or girlfriend 4 another woman because of the rough,... Wished her no ill will confronting my wife's lover I thank God he had thought that could. Until this is for the narcissist he is life continues, as if it doesnt give stuff! Am even aware of the truthbut be vague on details 're about walk... With her, as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, intimacy... Who told me he and his affair partner, you 're aware of truthbut. Of dreams he had awakening from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect affair about one after. Him for the death of a life that once was impossible can become.!, desperate people can do desperate things so if I couldnt see outside the window for myself for her please! Complicate matters ( as mentioned above ) she wanted a trial separation moved... Will ask you to stop this little love story she has going with,!
confronting my wife's lover